The Liturgy of St. Hans Kung

I've never told anyone this, it's a secret between you and I. I have a time machine. Just this morning, I was able to obtain a copy of the Novus Novus Ordo Missae from Vatican III dated June, 2066. The Council Fathers decided the NOM needed revision, and I have the pleasure of revealing to you, for the first time anywhere, the mass our grandchildren will be attending. Directions for the faithful are in italics, spoken words are bold.

• Five-minute warm-up act (clowns on weekdays, balloon animals on Sunday).
• Stand
• Parish Council enters, females first.
• Applaud
• Council president, upon reaching the Sacred Card Table, turns to the Holy Fishbowl and picks a number.
• During this, the folk group leader performs an acoustic guitar solo.
• President: God has chosen (seat number) to lead us today.
• The chosen attendee (celebrant) rises.
• Applaud
• Celebrant: Let us hear the Good News.
• Celebrant reads the day's reading, which is always Matthew 7:1-5, every day.
• Celebrant: Praise be to us, for we have no judgement. Let us congratulate ourselves.
• Faithful: Give us the love we deserve.
• Hug at least three people.
• Celebrant must hug everyone in the room.
• During hugs, folk group plays the National Anthem, and liturgical dancers do an interpretive performance of a scene from the Koran.
• Celebrant: Let us proclaim the mystery of our goodness.
• Parish Council present gifts, pumpernickel and grape juice.
• Celebrant places his hands on the gifts.
• Celebrant: Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub ...
• Faithful: ... Yay, God!
• Entire congregation retires to tables in the back of the room, and partakes. Kids Meals should be on hand, with infant-safe toys.
• Celebrant rises.
• Celebrant: The fellowship is ended. Go in peace to love and serve your sports addictions.
• Folk group plays recessionary song, "Imagine," by John Lennon.

Well, there it is. I hope you are as excited as I am for this revolutionary, focus-group approved liturgy!