Latin Catholic by birth, Byzantine Catholic by the grace of God.
Pro: Restoration of the Holy and Universal Christian Roman Empire.
Caveat: The author makes no claim to being an exemplar of Catholicism or Monarchism (or blogging).
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Location: Upstate, New York, United States

Saturday, April 17, 2004

The Liturgy of St. Hans Kung

I've never told anyone this, it's a secret between you and I. I have a time machine. Just this morning, I was able to obtain a copy of the Novus Novus Ordo Missae from Vatican III dated June, 2066. The Council Fathers decided the NOM needed revision, and I have the pleasure of revealing to you, for the first time anywhere, the mass our grandchildren will be attending. Directions for the faithful are in italics, spoken words are bold.

  • Five-minute warm-up act (clowns on weekdays, balloon animals on Sunday).
  • Stand
  • Parish Council enters, females first.
  • Applaud
  • Council president, upon reaching the Sacred Card Table, turns to the Holy Fishbowl and picks a number.
  • During this, the folk group leader performs an acoustic guitar solo.
  • President: God has chosen (seat number) to lead us today.
  • The chosen attendee (celebrant) rises.
  • Applaud
  • Celebrant: Let us hear the Good News.
  • Celebrant reads the day's reading, which is always Matthew 7:1-5, every day.
  • Celebrant: Praise be to us, for we have no judgement. Let us congratulate ourselves.
  • Faithful: Give us the love we deserve.
  • Hug at least three people.
  • Celebrant must hug everyone in the room.
  • During hugs, folk group plays the National Anthem, and liturgical dancers do an interpretive performance of a scene from the Koran.
  • Celebrant: Let us proclaim the mystery of our goodness.
  • Parish Council present gifts, pumpernickel and grape juice.
  • Celebrant places his hands on the gifts.
  • Celebrant: Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub ...
  • Faithful: ... Yay, God!
  • Entire congregation retires to tables in the back of the room, and partakes. Kids Meals should be on hand, with infant-safe toys.
  • Celebrant rises.
  • Celebrant: The fellowship is ended. Go in peace to love and serve your sports addictions.
  • Folk group plays recessionary song, "Imagine," by John Lennon.

Well, there it is. I hope you are as excited as I am for this revolutionary, focus-group approved liturgy!


Blogger Bernard Brandt said...

Gag. Puke.

Saturday, September 24, 2005 12:19:00 AM  

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