Latin Catholic by birth, Byzantine Catholic by the grace of God.
Pro: Restoration of the Holy and Universal Christian Roman Empire.
Caveat: The author makes no claim to being an exemplar of Catholicism or Monarchism (or blogging).
Under the patronage of St. George. Please view at 1024x768.

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Location: Upstate, New York, United States

Sunday, March 23, 2008



Logged on to clean up some things on here that I actually feel bad about writing. Just a little too puerile at points, particularly toward the hierarchy.

Looks like Google invaded Blogger since my last visit. Googlofascism is on the march.

Google Maps is probably taking a picture of my house as I write this, and selling my information to Doubleclick and the Red Chinese.

The local police were bought out by Google. With parking tickets, you can plead "guilty," "not guilty," or "I'm Feeling Lucky."

Pretty soon my job is going to pay me in Google Bucks for the Google Company Store.

Next election, Google is going to count all our votes. Maybe we can even vote online, at or some such.

But don't worry, the Google Orbital Mind Control Ray is at least five years off.

Ta-ta for now.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

Ortho-Anglo stumpers

1: Can someone explain the Eastern view of Sin to me? The Orthodox seem to take the non-inheritance of Sin to a level that renders Baptism irrelevant. One suspects that in their haste to toss the filioque bathwater out, all sorts of Augustinian babies went with it.

(Not that the
filioque should be viewed as bathwater by right-thinking people. As a red herring, perhaps, but certainly not bathwater.)

However, I'm rather confused on the issue, and some assistance is needed here.

2: Regarding the recent Anglo-Catholic conference, The Pontificator wrote a piece on the possibility of a Western sui iuris Church being set up for returning Anglicans. Discussion here centers on how self-governing churches don't exist in the Western Church, save Rome, and that those areas "watered" by a certain strain of Catholicism are forever locked into that flavor.

This is said to be the ecclesiological formula accepted in the Ivory Tower. However, one must note that both Southern Italy and Poland, to name a few, changed from East to West or West to East. Thus from patriarch to pope or vice versa. It's happened multiple times in history.

Perhaps it is true that self-governing churches don't exist in the West. So what? Outside of priests, deacons, bishops, and the pope, no ecclesial jobs were instituted by God directly. Patriarchs, cardinals, mitred archpriests, monsignors, archimandrites, etcetera, owe their existence to human innovation, if perhaps guided by the Holy Spirit.

And indeed large swaths of Europe have in the past labored in various levels of
de facto sui iuris status. The Gallican Rite comes to mind. This sort of situation in policy is in keeping with what could be the "legitimate diversity" that the smart set can't stop bandying about. The same set that will give away the store to Protestants.

Can someone convince me that this is anything other than power politics?

3: Related to both points one and two, why does the Church care about "Uniatism?" This is nonsense. So what if the remaining Orthodox, or perhaps the remaining Anglicans, flip out? Nip a church here, nip a region there, then they're all ours eventually. Renouncing "Uniatism" gives scandal by tacitly saying that people have full access to Truth in schismatic congregations.

I have much more respect for the Orthodox and Anglican traditions than I do for any others non-Catholic outfits. But wrong is wrong.

And Union works. This flip concept of "dialogue" fails. Just more politics. It's the Vatican making peace with The World.

Want to solve the divisions of Christianity? Let them all come back at sui iuris status. Take any parish that will come. Sign the "hands-off" agreement in blood, if need be. Only make them renounce whatever is obviously wrong. It can't get more generous than that.

Any straggling groups that won't take the bargain will be marginalized and irrelevant after a few generations of absorption.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Biblical brain teasers

Have been reading the Old Testament again recently. Some thoughts occur:

1: If King Solomon was the wisest person to ever live, before or since (Kings 11:12), was he wiser than Christ?

2: If Adam and Eve had children, and then sinned, but the child refused the serpent's offer, it's natural to assume that the parents would be kicked out of Paradise, not the child. Since the entire Earth was cursed due to their actions, would Creation then be split up 50/50 for Fallen Humanity and Pure Humanity?

3: If Adam and Eve had sinned while Eve was pregnant, how would God resolve the need to banish the sinning mother and preserve the pure baby in Paradise?

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Byzantine priest with young family needs help

The following was posted on the ByzCath message board:

"Got this e-mail from Fr. John Zeyack, who is a visiting instructor at the Greek Catholic seminary in Uzhorod. PLEASE TRY AND BE GENEROUS!

Glory to Jesus Christ!
Dear Fr. Mike Fr. Chris and Deacons,
Several months ago I was asked about helping here in Zakarpatia, Ukraine. I have a special need. We have a young priest here who is ordained 2 1/2 years and is about 28 years old. He has a wife and two sons, one 3 1/2 years old and the other 6 months old. He has been suffering from tiredness and headaches and finally went to a doctor last week. Their diagosis is that he has minimally a brain tumor or a cancerous brain tumor. They are not aggressive in treatment or diagonosis as they are in the States. They are treating him with bed rest and medicine. They have told him that he has from two months to one year to live. His 3 1/2 year old son has a clef palate and needs an operation now to correct his bite, speech ability and appearance. The operation is $1200.00 in Ternopil. He has no money. He is worried for his son and for his family. He also has no money for his own health care.
If you are able to help, please do so. If you send a check, please send it to Fr. Taras Lovska and mark on it for Fr. Andrew.Fr. Taras' Address:

Rev. Taras Lovska
Blessed Theodore Romzha
Greek Catholic Theological Academy
Patrusa Karpatskoho str. 2A
Minaj, Uzhorod rajon 89427

Thak you for responding to this appeal.
Fr. John Zeyack"

What bothers me to action here is that it seems to be a sorrowfully preventable situation, barring geography. If the same circumstances were in North America, I get the idea that there would be some hope. $1,200 is a pretty marginal amount for an appeal in our part of the world. That's ten bucks from 120 people, so it's an eminently do-able proposition.

So if you can, would you please pop off a check?

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Islamic gamesmanship in Canada

So Musselmen were going to behead Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper.

The Toronto Star believes that it's "time to challenge Muslim extremists." To a rousing game if Scrabble? It remains to be seen.

Your author is constantly bewildered that a nation that speaks mostly proper English, lives under a monarchy, and generally displays wonderful manners could have such a death urge.

Can Mohammedans play Scrabble? One imagines that Pictionary certainly wouldn't be halal: "Ahmed, that roundish squiggle looks a little like The Prophet! I can't broach such idolatry!" Ahmed might protest that he was drawing a baby carriage, but oops, too late, his head's cut off.

Children in the Middle East don't play Hangman for the same reason. Accidental Hangman idolatry was one of the main causes of student revolt in 1970's Iran. So now they play Hangfalafel.

And forget about drinking games, of course.

Monopoly causes it's own problems, because as we know, once a land is Islamic, just like Spain it belongs to them forever. Forget about selling Baltic Avenue, unbeliever!

They can play Chess, but for one piece to capture another, it has to destroy itself in the process, so it's not much fun.

One place that Islamic gaming has been misunderstood is the schoolyard. Muslims don't have Dodgeball, they have Dodgerock. Much of the footage you might have seen of youth throwing rocks at people has been taken totally out of context. If a soldier catches a rock, the boy who threw it has to sit out the rest of the game.

Perhaps this whole Canadian thing was a similar misunderstanding.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Crusader; Trek; Uecker; Cravats; Grillin'

Some odds and ends today, mostly found while surfing:


1: SCANDERBEG: Warrior King of Albania. A movie being put together by some very proud Albanians, about a, yes, warrior king who leads a revolt to kick the Mahometan menace out of his nation. Fun! Watch the promo, it looks like it'll be spiffy.

2: Ragemonkey: The Future of Star Trek. Father Tharp ruminates on the direction of the next Trek vehicle. His ideas sound good, and a commenter makes note that The Fall needs to be present in the Trek universe. True, it's an idealized world, as Roddenberry desired.

As father points out, scuttlebut has it that a new project would focus on Kirk's years in the Academy. My dream script, however, would involve Harry Mudd teaming up with Lt. Kevin Reilly in something like "The Road to Orion:" It'd be stuffed with witty reparte, sprightly duets, and competitive flirting for the attention of an Orion slave girl who tags along on their misadventure to cheat pirates out of ill-gotten technology.

3: Bob Uecker Stalker. The link is directly to a letter she wrote to Mr. Uecker. From the looks of her prose, her more serious crime is First Degree Thesaurus Abuse.

4: For Father's Day Consideration: A History of Neckties. Your author is coming more to the opinion that modern daywear does little more than reinforce social discipline. A suit qua suit (or a tie qua tie) has no precise meaning, as would wearing the purple, or perhaps sporting a meaningful clan plaid. And the streamlined, unimaginative cuts of today's dresswear isn't just Protestant, it's downright republican.

So we're left with a situation whereby a man must wear clothes that somehow manage to be both unimaginative and uncomfortable. And instead of signifying anything useful, like profession, family ties, aristocratic heritage, etcetera, male daywear simply shows who has the time, money, and physique to preen and who doesn't.

When a middle class blue collar man dresses for work, one expects him to look the part of a workman. When a middle class white collar man dresses for work, one can't help but notice that he wears the same dress code as the wealthy, but in a lower quality way, like he is a cheap imitation.

Just one more reason there is more inherent dignity in honest physical labor than in the suit-and-tie world.

5: Your Author is Going to Refurbish His Grill! The first idea was to give it a flame job, but that's a rather tired look. Perhaps paint it like the shuttlepod Galileo from the Enterprise?

Here's where your help is needed. Any ideas for good monarchist barbecue art? Preferably, it has to be something that my wife won't know is making a statement, else she'd complain. It has to be code ... it has to be what the Ichthys was to early Christians. A secret design that will alert believers without letting the pagan authorities know.

A photo of the completed masterpiece will be published in mid-late summer.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Catholic blog roundup

Thought-provoking material from other blogs:

Traditio in Radice: "John Paul the Great?"

The discussion is what grabs me primarily here, since I'm already convinced about the topic. Words are exchanged as to:

A: Whether the whole "HHJPII is over-rated" issue is beaten into the ground, and
B: If such hostility serves to create scandal amidst the ignorati.

The answers are, respectively, "somewhat" and "probably." However, speaking as one who feels he and his nation have been deeply cheated by an effeminate hierarchy that appears to have little zeal for souls and even less appreciation of aesthetics, reminding everyone what a terrible job the last several pontiffs have done is a difficult vice to give up.

Conservative Blog For Peace: "The Lefebvrentines rubbish my LRC mentors"

The nut of the post:

"The creeds, other doctrine and the old Mass are true and good, but thinking the solution to the world’s and one’s own problems is to try to force everything to relate explicitly to the Catholic Church, as they are trying to do, sounds frankly childish and very autistic to me."

Pragmatically, this is an accurate thesis. If my souffle keeps deflating, no matter what recipe I try, it would be erroneous and in bad taste to blame the local pastor holding polka masses for bringing down the Wrath of God on the community. Theoretically, the vibrations from all that accordion music and foot-tapping could deflate a souffle, but that's another story.

Besides, as Haraldsson's Razor reminds us, "All things being equal, it's Islam's fault."

However, since in Him only does true good lie, and that part of his His creation that struggles against Him brings down on itself frustration and damnation, it's tough to believe that our societies haven't been withheld graces for our stiff-necked stupidities. If the butterfly effect is true in matter, why not in spirit?

To be more precise, polka masses and altar girls are not the immediate causes that service at drive-through windows has gotten lousy and people don't dress well. But they certainly don't help.

(Islam is the reason your change is wrong at the supermarket checkout. The more mosques in your area, the greater God's anger, and the greater chance you'll be missing a fiver. To combat this, buy pork chops and beer every time you go shopping.)

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Guinea pigs go Hollywood

We've all seen the Snapple ad from a few years ago re-enacting The Running of the Bulls with guinea pigs.

But, have you seen this new commercial for G4TV with one seriously creepy piglet?


Flipping channels the other night, the clicker took me to some Power Rangers spin off; in this show, the kids are students by day, ninjas by night, and Power Rangers by ... well, the next day. Anyhoo, their sensei is a chop-sockey guinea pig! Oh, and his name is "Sensei Guinea Pig."

He must spend all day in the gym to get such muscular guns. Most guinea pigs, being herbivores, don't eat enough protein to pull off that ripped physique.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Happy Norwegian Independence Day!

(One day early).

This year, instead of concentrating on modern flag-wavers as in years past, let us look to another Norse freedom fighter of long ago.

Enjoy this fine image of St. Olav distributing money before the Battle of Stiklestad. The day pictured here won't end well for our fine friend.

In iconography, Olav is depicted holding the axe that was the instrument of his martyrdom.

Olav died, in part, so that my ancestors could be free from the tyranny of false gods. So while freedom from Denmark is great, being out from under Odin-Allfather is ever better.


If you'd like more facts about Norway's birth as a modern nation, click here.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Eeeevil Cartoons

Watched the Fox Sunday block last night. The Simpsons had an episode about evolution ... the only good thing that ever comes out of movies or TV shows about evolution are Southern lawyers in seersucker suits and ribbon ties.

(Just love those guys! Patterned my own work persona around them.)

And such is still largely the case here. As a relatively new convert to Creationism, your correspondant can testify that most of the public remains ignorant of the thought behind the matter.

Sadly, Lisa cites George Will and Pope John Paul II as "conservatives who supported evolution theory." Way to give scandal, Your Holiness!

One is tempted to toss out a Comic Book Guy-esque "Worst Pope Ever" remark, but we all know that was Paul VI.


Further, on The Family Guy, Peter Griffin explains the creation of the universe in terms of God arm-wrestling with a frat boy. God distracts his opponent with a crude bodily function, and in the same process our universe explodes into being.

My wife asked me if I found that offensive. My immediate thought, and this is completely true, is that I was primarily upset at the suggestion that God would cheat at arm-wrestling.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

The Albino Code

Apparently, albinos think they are too often portrayed as evil in the movies.

Have you seen this yet? The Albino Code.
It's a tad amusing.


On the same subject, T&A has yet to comment on The DaVinci Code. Its readership is comprised primarily of people who haven't finished a whole book since "Green Eggs and Ham."

One doesn't have to be St. Augustine to have an opinion on theology (such would close most of us out, certainly), but the intellectual entrance fee is higher than a single work of fiction under your belt.


Speaking of being well-read, have you been to a bookstore recently? The local Border's and Barnes and Noble both now have three sections:

1: Oprah
2: Witchcraft
3: Coffee table books.

Our Catholic supply store in the area has two sections:

1: Lives of saints for children, women, and specific careers
2: Pope John Paul II.

Thank goodness for Amazon!

Sunday, May 07, 2006

Oldie but Goodie

(Note to spinsters and school marms: Mild language in the following joke.)


A man from the Midwest strikes oil on his land. The first thing he decides to do is treat himself and his poor crippled younger brother to a year-long trip to see Europe.

When they get back, the local press is excited to find out what the two small town boys thought of the world, so a reporter goes out to get the scoop. He catches the older brother one morning going out to work.

"Sir! Everyone would really like to know," says the newsie, "where did you go on your trip?"

"Well, first we went to Paris," the brother says. "It was beautiful ... the lights, the river, the sights from the top of the Eiffel Tower ..."

The reporter asks, "Did your brother go to the top of the Eiffel Tower?"

"No, my brother's a cripple, he couldn't get up there."

"So," asks the reporter, "where to next?"

Then the man says, "Well, off we went next to Venice. The whole place was amazing. We saw the museums and all the pretty buildings. And of course the gondolas."

Curious, the reporter follows up, "Did your brother take a gondola ride, too?"

"No, my brother's a cripple, he can't climb into a gondola."

"Was there anywhere else you went," the journalist asks, "after that?"

"My, yes," replies the man. "Next we went to Rome. Spent most of our time in Vatican City. We even got to see the Pope! He came out on his little balcony and waved to the crowd, and blessed everyone there. My brother immediately dropped his crutches and threw his hands in air!"

"Goodness," says the astonished reporter, "and your brother can walk?!"

"No, my brother's a cripple. He fell on his ass."


(See, all this time you thought it was a joke about the handicapped, when in actuality, it's a Catholic joke.)

Monday, May 01, 2006

Like a man at a baby shower

J.D. Carriere has a recent post tumbling about Eucharistic ministers. Most of the discussion is genderless, but is titled "Unnecessary Broads," and has a picture of an amused and under-dressed ministrix.

While we could take notice of the plainness of the participants, both lay and clerical, and the drab meeting-hall style of what is visible of the church, we shan't.

Instead, let's consider precisely how many things have been screwed up by unnecessary broads.
  • Pubs. A unisex bar is a meat market. When the women come in, the stogies and boisterous piano songs shuffle out. Then enter the young males on the hunt, doused in cologne and gussied up in urban flair. Lastly, the dance music takes over. A perfectly good pub is ruined.
  • The Vatican. Folks who say we'll never have female priests haven't taken a good look at the crop we have.
  • Offices. Forget about sexual politics in the workplace, the double standard that females can treat their jobs as hobbies and males can't is bad enough.
  • The ballot box. This should be self evident. Of course we should not forget that one of the founding principles of T&A is that even men shouldn't be voting (at least not much).
Well, Pet, I'm off for a pint ...

Sunday, April 30, 2006

False Religions

Nothing curdles my blood quicker than Catholics who play patty-cake with false relgions.

Let's cut the issue down to the bone: False religions don't get you to Heaven. It doesn't matter how many "grains of truth" they have. If an adherent of one does get to Heaven (by the Grace of God), it's despite his attachment to one of these spiritual lies and not due to it.

Indeed, the general objection of gentle and tolerant people is that God is too merciful to damn a person who has never had access to Truth, or in some twist of strangulated logic, a fair chance at the acceptance of that Truth that they have in fact heard.

But to be outside the Sacraments is to be outside all of the salves and medications God gives us for our souls. So, if we pardon those ignorant of Christ of said ignorance, we must still contend with the truth that they will die with the stain of Original Sin and all those mortal sins they may have accumulated. If a man of some pagan or incorrect monotheistic stripe had an adulterous affair 40 years ago, and knew it was wrong when he did it, unless he gets himself cleansed, he dies with it.

You or I could go to Confession. This poor sod can't, even with repentance, outside the Church.

When a Catholic buttresses one of these wayward children in their error, even in the slightest way, even under the umbrella of social nicety, that Catholic is doing the work of the Deceiver.

Imagine St. Peter making nice-nice with worshippers of Bacchus, seeing in their drunken sex orgies "a glimpse of the joy only The Lord provides," and telling them such in a flatulent and compromising encyclical.

Did God Himself come down from Heaven and subject himself to torture and death so that we could choose from 31 Flavors of Religion? Did countless European missionaries die because they thought the American Indians were A-OK with their blood cults and nature worship? You may as well spit on a picture of St. Isaac Jogues as encourage a false religion.

Of course in the Brave New Jacobin World we have freedom of religion, insofar as Sing-Sing isn't crammed full of Roundheads or Huguenots or Nonconformists. But pity to the poor Catholic in Hades, millstone hung around his neck and shackled next to the sad pagan whose freedom of religion he encouraged.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Brownie, 2000-2006, R.I.P.

Had to put Brownie the guinea pig down Thursday, April 27, 2006. She was 6.5 years old, not a bad run for the little critters. She was also known as "The Brownster," or "The Brownmeister."

Our second pig, and the second one to go. She was beautiful - stripes of white and shades of tan and brown. Truly one of God's small marvels. She was also meek and we spent much time ensuring her cagemates never ate her food before she did.

A person who has no experience with guineas typically regards them as mindless childhood pets, and compares them to hamsters, who have little real awareness of people. Guineas purr when you pet them, jump in place when they're happy, need lots of attention or become visibly depressed, need a sizable pen (not a storebought cage), and have a language that they use to communicate with people. Brownie would put her nose on the door of her pen if she wanted to come out, or bite the bars near her water bottle if she wanted to be fed, or sit near the front of her pen and squeal lightly if she wanted attention.

And every time a plastic bag rustled in the house, she'd squeal like crazy, just assuming that it was a sack of carrots or green peppers that was being opened for her benefit.

Brownie was a fighter. She'd has a few serious illnesses in her life, and almost died several times, but pulled through in each occasion. But it seems that this last three weeks, her digestive system just gave out. The vet concurred, and believed that she probably had renal or liver failure as well, simply from age. Brownie was in such pain, she wouldn't walk for hours - her back legs would fall asleep since she was lying on them all day. But when I would come home from work, she'd drag herself on two legs up to the front of the pen for food and attention.

As a well-informed Catholic, the suffering and death of animals in some ways affects me much more deeply than that of humans. When people suffer, there are spiritual rewards. When animals suffer, it earns them no grace, there is only pain. My departed loved ones either go to the joy of Eternal Life, or to the deserved torments of Damnation. Thinking optimistically, I will get to see them again, in Heaven, perfected and in perfect joy with God. When pets die, there is only death for them. They live on only in happy memories.

Her cagemate is more affected than we are, though. Guineas are social creatures, like humans, and need attention to be happy. Without Brownie, he mopes around, eats when he gets around to it instead of with his former impetuous gusto, and won't come out to play.

She was put to rest in her favorite fleece snuggling blanket, and then interred in the box we brought her home from the store in.

Thank You Lord, for Your small gifts, for the little critters that bring some extra joy to this Valley of Tears, and who in their short time reflect a portion of the beauty of Your Creation.

Goodbye Brownie, I'll always love you!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

April tids and bits

Spiffy article over at Traditio in Radice about how deeply flawed American society and governance are.

I dissent only on the contention that a private or government U.S. interest planned the collapse of the Twin Towers. While putting nothing past Hudge & Gudge, as it were, "Haraldsson's Razor" states that all things being equal, Islam is to blame.


On a related note, a joke:

Two Middle Eastern terrorists who just snuck into the country walk into a coffee shop. They get their drinks and find a dark table in the back.

The first one starts making conversation in Arabic, but the other shushes him, and says, "We're in America now. Speak Spanish."


The first time I heard "Protestant" used in a derogatory way:
Around the age of 12 or so, I was in a book store with my parents. There was a book entitled, "God Wants You to be Rich." Pointing this out to my father, he replied, "Probably written by a Protestant." (True story.)


Crown Princess Mette-Marit of Norway to fight HIV/AIDS. Toothy grins must be the latest method of Safer Sex. If so, that is her specialty thus maybe we will finally win the fight against AIDS.

I'd hate to see a Royal do something useful, like, say, put an end to Bible burning in Norway.


Click here to donate to The Minuteman Project. Help them build a wall on private land to stop the Southern Invasion.

Once that's done, check back next year to donate to the wall I'm going to build around my house.


Always end on a high note. Random Rodney Dangerfield: "Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?"

Thursday, April 20, 2006

T&A News: New monument in D.C.

WASHINTON - The bold new addition to the Capital Mall celebrates many of the federal government's current goals:

1: Division of the U.S. into as many different linguistic groups as possible.

2: Promoting sensitivity toward and appreciation for Middle Eastern cultures.

3: Cramming the entire human race into one place (here), instead of them being spread about willy-nilly.

When asked about the logic of this new project, President George W. Bush was quoted as saying, "Je suis ein sweinhund, mi amigo."

Monday, April 17, 2006

Quiz for the armchair generals

The wackadoo pictured left wants to build nukes and push the West into a cataclysmic holy war.

A: The West has no babies, no vision, and no coherent religion or ideology to hold it together.
B: The West has enough "citizens" who share his religion and political philosophy to cause serious trouble.
C: He and his cohorts are sitting on 2/3 of the world's oil supply.
D: When he moves on Israel, as he's promised, the U.S. will jump in immediately (rightly or wrongly).
E: Russia has been a quasi-ally of his nation for years.

Any realistic suggestions? Does the U.S.:

1: Start a war, pre-emptively, like Iraq.
2: Join a war, after we or Israel take a nuke to a major city.
3: Attempt a 1980's-style junta by arming rebels and/or assasinations.
4: Engage in diplomacy.

Your answer must be within the realm of possibility, and therefore not include any of the following elements:

I: Civilization-wide Rosary praying to Our Lady of Victory.
II: Reimposition of the Crusader States or the Eastern Roman Empire.
III: Any urge for self-preservation from Europe (or the Vatican).

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Happy Easter!

Have a happy and spiritually profitable Easter.


Also, sorry for turning on comment moderation. Didn't realize I did. It's off now - so please comment insanely to your heart's content, with my blessing.

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Having a bad day?

Sing this. Out loud, or else it won't work. The more people who hear you, and the more inappropriate it is, the better you'll feel.

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy,
For I'm loved
By a pretty wonderful boy!

Feel free to change the gender nouns if you're more comfortable that way. But you'll probably have a hard time rhyming the last stanza if you do.