Latin Catholic by birth, Byzantine Catholic by the grace of God.
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Location: Upstate, New York, United States

Saturday, September 24, 2005

"Have Scandal Your Way:" Part 3 of 3

A Throne and Altar Expose

So now the line of succession was reduced to a childless King and Queen, an illegitimate half-commoner who was raised outside of the True Church as a Pentecostal, and an unmarried 40-year-old simpleton for a Crown Prince that would be the worst monarch since Charles II.

The Burger King became desperate, trying all sorts of non-traditional means of improving his virility. At first, his foolishness was indulged in every-day superstition: powder of rhinocerous horn, drinking mead for a lunar cycle, selling curly fries for a limited time only, that sort of thing.

But then he turned to the occult. His workers in the Royal Foundry cobbled together a glorified Magic Eight Ball they called "The Wizard of Fries," left. They told the poor King that if he put gold under his pillow, the Wizard would let him know the best time to try for an heir.

Of course, as the King dreamed of child-safe toy prizes, the grubby blacksmiths would slip off with the gold. Every morning for six months, the King would ask the Wizard, tears dripping down his cheeks, "Is today the day I father a son?"

The Wizard would reply, "More likely than not," or sometimes "Ask again later."

After all of this heartbreak, the Queen took counsel with a traveling charlatan named Dr. Angus, right. Yes, he was charming, and had a beef-based cure for anything that ails you. Yet rumors tore through the Court that "The Angus Diet" that Her Highness was on had nothing to do with hamburgers.

The King knew his situation was hopeless. He could make sandwiches on silver trays appear out of thin air, but couldn't make a baby. Something had to be done.

An heir must be had. If he and the Queen were not compatible, a new wife was needed. Thankfully, this was first years of the 21st century, not the Middle Ages. The Pope immediately consented to their annulment, and spared the King all the messy business of head chopping. In fact, His Holiness stressed that he thought this "Catholic Divorce" would "throw open the windows" of the ancient monarchy.

***

Now, present day, the previous queen lives a comfortable if somewhat solitary life in the rural areas of the north. The Burger King has married a young foreign princess, left, and all the People have hopes this new marriage will produce heirs for their king, and maybe even unite the two kingdoms.

Tonight, please say a prayer for the humble folk and proud royalty of The Burger Kingdom.

Aren't you sorry for the Burger King ... now?

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